I exist

 I am a blog. I am this blog.

I exist.

Like all existing things, I am impermanent, unsatisfactory, and I have no self.

You might say: "Of course! You're a blog. So of course, you are impermanent. And of course, you're never complete so you're always unsatisfactory. And, of course, you have no self. You're a piece of writing, written by an author who might or might not have a self. But you surely don't."

But those are not the correct reasons.

It all seems pretty hopeless to me. Not completely hopeless because if it were, then I'd kill myself. But sufficiently hopeless that I'm not making any effort to improve the situation.

Why? I don't know. I have firsthand experience that says that things can change. But...what? But the effort does not seem worth it? But I can live with this? But I don't feel that I need to do anything about it?

I don't know. I'm sitting here aware (on some level) that I can pick myself up, choose something to do, and then work on it with enthusiasm and energy and enjoyment and creativity and playfulness. Or I can sit here moping. And I'm sitting here moping. Well, doing a little more than moping. I'm moping and typing, which is better than just moping. But it's a sad excuse for a life.

So, given that I have the power to do something better, why not do the better thing?

The first answer is: it's going to be a lot of trouble, and I don't need the trouble. I don't want the trouble. I just want to be left alone, in peace. Leave me alone! Just let me be!

I don't want to aspire to more. To do so risks failure. Is that it? Well, I'm not sure. I don't think that failure is that daunting to me. But it is to "parts of me." And what is daunting to me is dealing with sad and broken parts, with needy parts, with hurt parts. I don't want to deal with this shit. I just want to enjoy my life and not have to deal with others shit.

That's what it is. I don't want to be responsible. Others can suffer. I don't want to suffer with them. I just want to be left alone. I know I am missing out on experiences that I would enjoy. I'm willing to pass them up to avoid discomfort.

And again: it's not my own direct discomfort that I am trying to avoid. It's the discomfort of others. And it's the discomfort that I feel dealing with others discomfort.

It's not my discomfort. It's my feeling of their discomfort.

And now Mira offers a dog and my attitude is: fuck that. No dogs. Nothing that's going to cause me extra work. I've already got too much shit that I'm not doing. And yes, I know the reason that I am not doing what "I want to do" is not anything outside of me.

I am tired of this shit. I am tired of dealing with Bobbi's fears. I am tired of listening to people complain. And I'm especially, especially, especially tired of myself.

I am so fucking tired of myself.

It's the same crap, over and over and over and over.

I have to fix everything. I have to do everything. I can't stand this shit. I am just tired of it. I'm tired of writing this. But I'm writing it. And maybe, I think, something will come of it. And maybe not. Who the fuck knows.

It's upsetting.

It seems that life can be simple. I decide on something and then I do it. I have a choice, I look at the options and I choose. That's the ideal. That's what I'd like.

And I don't have that. Befuddlement! That was the word that described my state. Incomprehension! How could it possibly be that I am the way that I am? How could I possibly stay in that state? Inconceivable!

And yet, there I found myself. And maybe the "this is inconceivable" is kind of the computation. I am saying, after all, "I know what this is. It's an inconceivable situation. Done." And "I'm befuddled." Which means that the proper action is for me to stand there, with my jaw agape saying "I'm befuddled." Until what? Until something comes along to make me not be befuddled? Really, who the fuck knows.

So, I'm sitting here, deep in a hole, trying to write my way out of it.

And I am in a hole. I don't want to do anything but get out of the hole. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to read. I just want to not feel this way. I just want to not be what I am.

It seems like there are only two possibilities. One is to kill myself. That has the advantage of likely effectiveness--unless I'm reborn and I have to go through this shit all over again. The other is to just sit here, writing, until I write my way through it. Oh, and a third: give up (for now, at least) and just "accept the situation." That seems to be the worst choice, right now.

So: write my way out of it. How do I do that? How to i get back to the state where I was integrated, unified and whole? In the state where intention and action were one?

And if I get there, how do I stay there.

First things first. I need to get there. So what happens normally?

Normally, I've got multiple, incompatible interests. So there are two possible starting points. One is to accept that as normal, and start from there. The other is to identify that as a problem and remove the multiple incompatible interests as a starting point.

So: a decision is made to take action. Two possibilities. One: I've made the decision. Two: something other than me has made the decision. Maybe the decision was made by an automaticity. Maybe it was made by some "Part." But it was made.

Now, something raises an objection and there's an internal conflict. Let's now take that as the starting point.

What I want to happen now is this: I want alarm bells to go off. I want something to point out that "internal conflicts" are not part of the scheme. And I want to muster all my resources to resolve the internal conflict.

This should be easy. Rather: I want this to be easy. I want to take a moment and reflect: is this a whim? Or is it a real intention. If a whim, then make a different choice. If a real intention, then if you object, GTFO. It's that simple. If it's a whim, then I want it to be easy to make a different choice: just look at the options and pick one.

So maybe I'm left with this problem: I want to act in some way. The way that I want to act is one I've chosen deliberately. I've made it clear. And if that's not what's happening, it's a bug and I want to fix the bug. Right then. Right there.

There are boundary conditions. Like right now. My mind is not at full ability. I feel mentally tired. This is different from the distraction caused by conflict (I think.)   So what do I do?

Well, _my_ solution would be to look up what to do. And I did. Answers: hyrdrate (slow solution) dance (easy when people are around) exercise (faster). Easiest way to exercise: JustDance app, which I just got.